I might aswell delete this whole Journal crap, Just now did I relize how much I've lost my sanity... Suiside is bull shit. Not happening.

I havn't talked about this atall, cause it breaks me down so bad but... I really miss Gwen right now... Ever since he passed away. It's all been so differnet. :'[

I had someone to hold on to.

Im reminded every day of the lose of my children. I can't beleive at such a younge age, I would be giving birth to twins... But god. Took them away from me. If there is such a god. Why am I being tortured? Why am I going through this? And why must I suffer? What did I do wrong to deserve this... Its been almost 2 mounths since I had the miscarrige I will never forget. Like the one before. Im hummiliated. I left a scar upon my body to never forget... But now... Im on heroin. Again. And Im lost... I just want to kill myself. I've lost more than enough friends to this tragidy in my life. Im pressumed the whore of ceres, and the drug addict of the century... I just want to hurt myself so bad to were My soul leaves this dead body, and I wake up in nowhere land... ALone. As I seem to always follow that road. My siciatrist thinks Im crazy. My "F A M I L Y" [so-called] sees me as a fuck up and disgrace... and my "F R I E N D S" [most likely soon to be enemies] Think Im justfucked up in the head. Yay me. Tonight Im just gonna go out with some people. And loose it :] I can't wait.

Just want to kill myself :]
I'd all be better!

There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, and who always will. So I don't worry about the people from the past, because there is a reason they dont make it into my future...

I lost my child ='[ ANd the father... I feel like Im slowly dying, being decayed, little by little... Then seeing him, calling me a baby killer like I ment for our baby girl to die, eats me alive, haunting me every god damn night. I need a true friend right now. Then Im so scared of touchin something or someone and fuckin it up like I ALWAYS DO ='[ I can't take this life anymore. Im done. And over =] Goodbye!!!

Well, I can't tell too many people yet, [But I get to write it in here cause I can't fuckin say shit] We'll not only is my ex gf pregnant... But it turns out, I took TWO fuckin pregnancy test and they came out positive... I need to go to the doctor... I don't know how, or when, but If I don't... FUCK! Plus on top of that, I smoke like a pack a day, and guess what!? I HAVE TO FUCKIN STOP!! Im in deep shit. It's fuckin impossible... I don't know what to fuckin do. Atleast it'll have a good daddy though... Im proud of that, but a good mommy... Im not so sure about that one. I need help :'(

We'll, I pretty much moved out of my home too. My mom got so fuckin crazy, that she slammed me between my wall and my door in my room, cutting off my breathing for awhile, then socked me in the fuckin eye, I CAN'T STAND LIVING THERE ANYMORE!!! So... I live with my ex gf Jazmine. It's better than there... Plus If my doctor can prove to me, Im really pregnant like thoses tests said, then, Im staying here... With her && her baby. Atleast I know I have somewhere to go... But when I have my baby, Its in with my bf... :/ Scary thought, but I'd wanna share it with him, more than anyone else on this fuckin shitty ass planet.

The strangest thing is is that, Im falling in love with Just [my bf] and I know he's falling in love with me... but, I don't wanna say I love you again, and get screwed over... badly. Like always. Im sick of falling in love head over heels for someone, and them saying there falling to, then they fall back and fuckin slap you in the face and turn on you. Im sick of it. I know I have love for Justin. But Im not ready to abide to it, and vow to it, even commit to it. Im so scared.

Wow. Im gonna be a freshman mommy... If I don't have another god damned miscarriage for the fuckin third time! :'(

can I die now?

People keep trying to tear me down.
Nine mounths outta school ANd Im back again.
They use what happend to me against me,
and what I did in the past they hold to me...
I can't take it.
&& theres not much I can do.
Atleast I'll be leaving on the 5th of July :)